


How To Disappear Completely

by lovelylittlelouis



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks, Social Anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-18
Updated: 2013-09-18
Packaged: 2017-12-26 23:29:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/971549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovelylittlelouis/pseuds/lovelylittlelouis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"The noise around him droned out, until it was just him and his slow breathing, a tunnel of black he had to get through to reach the car on the other side. And in his mind he pictured crinkly blue eyes and soft skin and pixie peppered kisses."</p><p>Harry gets mobbed in New York and experiences a panic attack, and all he needs is his Louis to help him calm down.</p><p>Based on Harry's NY mobbing, 'How To Disappear Completely' by Radiohead and personal experiences.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How To Disappear Completely

"You ready kid?"

Green eyes met brown as Harry looked up at his security guard, Paul. The tightness in his throat became almost unbearable, and his neck was damp with sweat. He could hear them, the fans screaming his name, coaxing him to come out of the safety of the hotel. And as much as he wanted to meet and take a picture with every single one of them, he wished that he could do it one at a time. But he couldn't. And now he had to pay the consequences of making it big.

When Harry was 7, big wondering eyes and rosy red cheeks, his anxiety started. At first his mum was worried he was bullied, that maybe a certain mean child with a big attitude was the thing stopping her son from joining in on school activities. But after many meetings with his teachers and dinner time chats with Harry, it was decided that Harry was just shy, painfully so. After a few more years when his mousy curls grew in and his feet went up a couple sizes, Harry's condition got worse. His hands would shake at the thought of going shopping with his mum; his nails bitten to stubs from hours of chewing his fingers in contemplation. Harry hated crowds. And when he finally started his teen years, Harry was admitted to teenage counselling for severe social anxiety disorder. His sessions counted for sitting on a musty sofa in a room made for small children, trembling hands tucked into his lap whilst he mumbled his persistent fears to a man with too much cologne and a lazy eye. As much as Harry hated his counselling sessions, they did help. Even though the diazepam tablets they gave him made him slightly more slurred and uncoordinated than usual, they stopped the shaking in his hands for a little while. His new found confidence and health led him to finally audition for The X Factor. And although one of the most nerve racking experiences of his life, he would never take back his decision to go through with it. Because then he would never have met Louis.

Harry instinctively checked his phone at the thought of Louis. He had gone back to the UK for their short break from their tour. And Harry wished he could've gone with them, but was told it be best for him to visit New York to keep up appearances. His breathing slowed as he took in the wallpaper on his phone. The picture of Louis, bleary eyed and mussed up hair, stared back at him. Harry took the picture one particular morning when the sun shining down on Louis and streaking through his tanned skin was too much of a perfect moment to miss. The thought of being able to wake up next to Louis again in a few days was enough for Harry to lift his head and shakily nod at Paul.

"You sure? Don't wanna give Louis a ring?" The guard questioned, gesturing towards the phone being shakily held in Harry's hand.

"No, it'll only make him worry. Lets just get this other with." Harry pocketed his phone and straightened out the beanie on his head. The noise around him droned out, until it was just him and his slow breathing, a tunnel of black he had to get through to reach the car on the other side. And in his mind he pictured crinkly blue eyes and soft skin and pixie peppered kisses.

The front doors of the hotel opened, and suddenly the loud roar of screams outside hit Harry, slammed into every inch of his body, breaking his Louis-related reverie. And the noise clawed at his skin, crawled up his spine and pinched at his neck. He felt exposed, lost. His body turned stiff, eyes wide like those of a lost baby deer. He felt so stunned, unable to move any part of his body apart from the tiny little shakes of his head that no one caught on to. Paul let out a low whistle next to him, and it echoed and replayed in his mind as the stiff hand on his lower back ushered him out of the hotel. Out of safety and temporary comfort given in the form of soft cushions and late night phone calls by the window.

"Listen Harry, this is pretty massive. Just- try to count to 30 yeah? 30 and we'll be there at the car and it's all over. You can do this bud," and for a moment he thought he could. For a short, fleeting moment Harry honestly believed that he could be brave and smile with his head held high and walk straight to the car and drive to the next destination planned out for him. But as he was pushed out of the doorframe and into the suffocating, humid air he knew that this wouldn't go down as smoothly as it had all the other times. This was big, huge. And suddenly he wasn't 19 year old Harry Styles, teenage sensation and former member of the biggest boy band in the world. He was just Harry, 7 years old and scared. Alone in the middle of the playground and alone in his self with nothing but a constant stream of negative thoughts to keep him company.

Shakily, Harry concentrated on putting one slightly pigeon toed foot in front of the other. His head was down, hands pressed into white-knuckled fists and he tried to concentrate on the pain of his nails digging into his palm. His mouth was stripped of moisture, lips sealed shut to contain the distressed set of whimpers that desperately wanted to be released. The crowd around him roared, a constant stream of "HarryHarryHarry" that left him wanting to be swallowed up by the ground, away from the judgemental faces and disappointed eyes. Because as Harry looked up to take in the situation, that's what hit him the hardest. Not the hundreds of people staring at him like hawks, stripping him bare of the little self reassurance he had left. Not the hands touching him, snatching his sense of security and clawing at him from all angles, swarming him in shivers as each grabby hand tore at his skin and essence and very being. But the looks in the eyes of those around him, the crestfallen emotions swarming the eyes of the people he knew waited all day to see him and didn't even get an autograph, that shook him to his core. Because now it was all his fault, he's so stupid, stupid, stupid. And as the guilt flooded his system, hurtled through his body and mind like a tilde wave, he felt his cheeks become red hot from embarrassment and shame.  
'They're all looking at me'  
'They're all going to realise how stupid I am and hate me'  
'Someones going to get hurt and it's going to be all my stupid fault'  
Harry's thoughts wildly plagued his brain at a frantic, uncontrollable speed.

"Harry! Over here Harry!"  
"Harry I love you!"  
"Get off of him!"  
"Harry please just a quick picture!"  
Voices overlapped and infused into one giant, angry wave of racquet that threatened to push Harry over the edge. He was visibly shaking now, breath short and panicked and heart palpitations frequent. The angry flood of heat smothered his body, skin clammy and bones trembling as he was forced to duck lower towards the ground, away from prying hands. Harry squeezed his eyes shut, desperate for this to end and to be safe and warm and wrapped up in Louis' warmth and smell. He wanted so desperately to disappear, and repeated the mantra of 'I'm not here' and 'this isn't happening' in his head until he gathered up the courage to open his eyes and stand a bit straighter again. And he wished he hadn't. Because as he looked towards the car and the entrance of the hotel, he realised he'd only walked about ten paces. And he had so much more to go. He shook his head frantically, clawing desperately at his guard's arm because "no please, I can't do this" and it was all too much and he wasn't going to make it and it was all his fault and he couldn't breathe.

"I'm sorry Harry, not long now. You're doing grea- woah back off!" Paul belted angry demands towards the paparazzi that all seemed desperate to take a picture of a distressed Harry Styles. The shouts only made Harry cringe, and he managed to squeak out an apprehensive mewl that only seemed to make the crowd get crazier. His whole face scrunched up, eyebrows furrowing and bottom lip quivering as he couldn't get over the horrible thoughts and feelings that plagued his whole being. He was shoved, pushed, prodded and pulled as he tried desperately to make it to the safety of the car at the end of the pathway. His heart was racing, although his body was faint due to his shortness of breath. Harry stumbled, tripping over his feet as the panic set in and overcame his body. Before he had the chance to recover and carry on, suddenly hands were everywhere. The world became mute apart from the sounds of his own quick breathing as nails dug into every inch of his body that was available. His hair was ruthlessly tugged, collarbones clawed at as people desperately tried to clutch onto whatever part of Harry they could. Tears slipped from his eyes, small sobs emitting from his sore, dry throat as his worst nightmares came true and played out right before his very own eyes. And only when a particular hand with too-long nails scraped across his cheek did the world suddenly come back. The noise filled his eardrums, the floor suddenly connecting back to his feet and helping him up. Small gasps could be heard throughout the mob of people as they finally took in the state of Harry and took a few steps back. Hefty hands clutched at Harry and dragged him away, until he was finally shoved into the car.

"Harry! Harry? C'mere, look at me. Are you okay? Harry please stop that," Paul frantically tried to grab Harry's arms, stop him from shaking and shaking and thrashing. But the more he tried, the more Harry panicked.

"Please stop, please please don't touch me I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry" Harry choked out more sobs, shaking his head left and right until his brain felt as frazzled as the rest of him. He gripped at his face, grabbing his cheeks and tugging and pulling. He grabbed his stomach, punched it a few times for good measure. He pulled his hair angrily, scratching his scalp because 'this is all your fault you're so stupid look at yourself Harry'. He clawed at his arms, scratch scratch scratch until they burned and bled. He screamed and cried in between short panting breaths.

"Shit shit shit, Harry mate listen I don't know how to- Harry I need to grab your phone okay?" Paul lifted his arm towards Harry warily, not wanted to distress him any further. "We'll get you your Lou, okay? Stop that, sit back Harry. You're okay, it's all okay." He grabbed Harry's phone, nervously unlocking it and finding Louis' number immediately, saved as 'Lou' with a love heart emoji and too many kisses. He pressed the phone up to his ear, hands shaking and heart thumping because  _shit_ this hasn't happened in so long, and never to this extent.

"Hi this is Louis, I'm either too busy to answer or asleep so please leave a message an I'll g- Harry! Stop it I'm trying to do an actual important thing here!" Paul groaned at the answer tone, and Harry let out a distressed wail in the background. Paul tried again and again, not stopping until Louis finally answered with a rushed "'elo? You alright Haz? Sorry I didn't answer, I was having a bath."

"Louis! Listen I need you t-"  
"Paul? What are you doing on Harry's phone, everything okay?"  
"Yes, well no bu-" Harry let out a particularly loud sob, and then whined high in his throat, crawling into a ball and putting his head in between his knees, hands still tugging and scratching at his arms which were now raw and red.  
"What was that? Was that Harry?! Paul what's happening, Harry!" Louis nervously raised his voice, heart dropping like a dead weight and mouth incredibly dry.  
"He got mobbed, I'm sorry we should've waited until the crowds died out but they were only getting bigger, he said he was fine with it. I can't- it was fine. I don't know what happened, he freaked out. Started shaking like a leaf, crying. White as a ghost he was, and then this girl scratched his cheek and now he's in the car and he's _beating_ himself Lou he won't let me touch him I don- I can't stop him he won't let me!" Paul's head span, voice wobbly as he tried to get his distress across to Louis.  
"FUCK! Shit shit shit fuck, what the fuck do they think they're doing!" Louis was angry, he was furious. How dare they make Harry uncomfortable, they have no fucking right. "Pass me him okay? Give him the phone, say its me."

Harry flinched as a hand was thrust towards him, burying his face further into his legs. "Harry it's Louis, it's just Louis, he wants to speak to you." He snatched the phone out of Paul's hand, lifting it to his ear and pressing it to himself too tightly.

"Lou?" His voice was strained, croaky and sad, and he wanted nothing more than to have Louis with him now.

"Harry! Harry it's me, are you okay? Listen to me love, listen to my voice and calm down a bit. Everything's okay, everything's going to be alright soon I promise!" Harry sobbed harder at the sound of Louis, breaking down entirely.

"Louis please make it stop, I don't want to be here anymore, I want to go away, I don't like it. I'm so so sorry, I'm sorry. I don't know what I- I don't know what's going on. They were everywhere Lou, they all tried to hurt me and I deserve it, don't I? I'm a stupid piece of shit, I hate myself. It's all my fault, all my fault, I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry." Louis felt his heart shatter, and his throat ached as he tried to hold back his tears because this was _Harry_ saying these things, and Louis couldn't rub his back and nuzzle his neck and tell him that he's perfect because they're fucking oceans away.

"Harry no, no you're amazing, you're perfect okay? Listen to me, you're perfect, you're okay. It's going to be okay, and I love you. I love you so much I can't even breathe with it sometimes, and that's all because of you." Harry whimpered at Louis' wobbly voice, and he shook his head again because 'now you're making Louis sad you idiot'.

"I d-didn't mean to make you sad Lou, I didn't know that they'd call you, I'm sorry, I've ruined your night, I'll g-"

"No, no Harry listen. I'm so so happy they called because now I get to hear your voice okay? I know your head is a little bit frazzled at the moment, so I want you to lie down, take a few deep breaths and listen to my voice yeah?"

Harry muttered out a "yeah, okay Lou" and settled down into the black leather seats, laying across then with his knees still drawn up into his chest. His quick panting soon dissolved into large shaky breaths, and he closed his eyes tightly to rid himself of the situation he was in.

"Haz remember that one time when we went to that aquarium in London, and someone spotted us so we had to hide in the closed off in closure, the one with all the jellyfish? And it was pitch black apart from the blue lights coming from that huge tank, 'member that? And the jellyfish were just floating around, pumping their little bodies up and up and side to side. And we lied down on the floor next to it, just staring because it was so peaceful, and all you could hear was our breathing and the flowing water. Can you imagine that now? How peaceful and quiet and safe that was." Louis' voice was smooth and quiet as he relayed the memory to Harry, desperately trying to put a nice image into his mind.

"Oh yeah, and then we fell asleep right? Didn't wake up until the aquarium had closed, no one had realised we were there." Harry hiccuped, his breaths still heaving slightly as his chest rose up and down roughly.

"That's right, that was so nice. Remember that time we were in Paris, and we had that lovely hotel room with the view of the Eiffel Tower? And there was that balcony, and we smoked a spliff and ate dry cereal and four baguettes between us. We were so stuffed we didn't want to move, just snuggled into each other and enjoyed the view. It was sunny, and there was a nice breeze, I remember it making your curls go all 80s music video on me. And then out of no where, that butterfly just perched on your knee. 'Member? And we were so stoned we couldn't believe it was happening and we started making up that huge story about it secretly being a spy. And then we laughed so hard it ended up flying away. That was a lovely afternoon, wasn't it?"

"We were both wearing berets, I remember that. Where are they now?"

"I put them on the bed knobs in the spare room love, thought it would for the theme nicely." Harry hummed happily back, eyes heavy and breathing slowed right down.

"You feeling better Haz?"

"Much better, thank you so so much Lou. I love you, I wish you were here with me right now." Harry's voice was slow and rough, throat sore and body heavy as he mumbled through the phone.

"I'll be there before you know it, just get some rest. You feeling sleepy?" Louis shuffled around in search of his laptop, immediately checking flight times from London to New York. Harry huffed in response.

"Sing to me?" Harry's voice was so vulnerable that Louis could never say no, and he settled back against his headboard as he started humming slowly and softly, singing out in a hushed whisper.

"Wouldn't it be nice if we were older, then we wouldn't have to wait so long. And wouldn't it be nice to live together, in the kind of world where we belong..."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for taking your time to read! :D  
> This is the first time I've ever done anything like this, so excuse the fact that it's most probably rubbish.  
> Here have my twitter @larrylovefest I'd really appreciate it if you gave us a follow sometime :)


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